California School District Tells Students to Sleep Away Those STDs

A bunch of rational people are suing the Clovis Unified School District in California for allegedly violating state law by telling kids they won't get pregnant if they're not sleep-deprived, whoreish loners.

According to the lawsuit — filed by the American Academy of Pediatrics California District IX, and the Gay-Straight Alliance Network, both of which are being represented by the ACLU and a private law firm — the district uses textbooks that neglect to mention that condoms can prevent the spread of STDS. However, they do note these other super helpful contraceptives:

Respecting Yourself (Because only insecure sluts lose their V-cards.)
Getting Plenty of Rest (Because only tired, insecure sluts lose their V-cards?)
Hanging Out in Groups (No one in the district has ever played spin the bottle, apparently. Or had group sex.)
Practicing Abstinence (They were running out of ideas.)
Other helpful instructional materials allegedly compare non-virgin women to dirty shoes and claim that men are unable to stop themselves once sexually aroused.

While some parents might be pleased at the thought of their daughters growing up thinking they'll turn into a smelly pair of Converse if they don't respect themselves, get enough sleep, or fend off the sex-crazed robots that are their male peers — Todd Akin, for example, would definitely approve of these "legitimate" safe-sex tips — others are not.

"Our kids need complete, accurate information to help them protect themselves against STDs and unintended pregnancy. That's information they'll need at whatever point in their life they become sexually active," Aubree Smith, a plaintiff in the suit and mother of a 17-year-old daughter at Clovis High School, told the ACLU in a statement.

California law mandates that public schools' sex education programs must be comprehensive, medically accurate and bias-free, as well as appropriate for students of all sexual orientations. So we're not sure exactly what Spokeswoman Kelly Avants meant when she told the Los Angeles Times that Clovis Unified was abiding by state law by teaching kids that abstinence is "the only 100 percent surefire way to prevent pregnancy."

Avants would not comment on the issue of condoms and contraception, and it's no wonder why, since refusing to acknowledge that teenagers have sex and/or that contraceptives exist has been working out SO WELL for all of us! We know this because states that teach abstinence-only education rank the highest in the numbers of underage pregnancies. Oh, a proliferation in baby mamas isn't the solution we're going for? Well, there was also the 2007 federal study which found that abstinence-only education ultimately had "no impacts" at all on convincing teens to abstain from sex. Oh, man, that doesn't back up abstinence-only education, either! Let's all just take a nap. Sleeping (alone) solves everything!

Hopefully the ACLU's team will win the lawsuit and the Clovis Unified School District will begrudgingly have to teach kids the truth. If not, there's always YouPorn?